I wore uncomfortable underwear for years to fit in and now kids wear socks with Crocs??

Several decades ago when I was in middle and high school, I wore the most uncomfortable type of underwear known to man for literally YEARS to avoid ridicule. It’s just how things were. No one questioned it. You suffered. You looked ridiculous but that was the style at the time. You suffered some more.

You survived. More or less.

At least, that was my experience. I’ll go ahead and assume it was universal otherwise this article doesn’t work.

But today… wow… I guess you could say things are a little different.

My oldest child is now in middle school and I was shocked to discover that middle school kids sometimes wear knee-high socks with colorful Crocs and that is… cool?

We used to be a country.

Also, life is so unfair.

Sure, the current generation will likely live to see and experience climate-related horrors beyond our wildest imagination, but in the meantime, man, they are living it up!

Long socks with Crocs or sandals are just the beginning. I’ve seen kids wearing plaid pajama pants to school, comfy t-shirts with cartoon characters on them, jeans that rest above the hips, and hoodies so big a small family of raccoons could curl up inside.

It is wild.

Back in my day, we walked around with one hand tugging up our jeans at all times so the waistband stayed right where it was required to be by law: a two-inch zone between the knee and the lower buttock. If that waistband strayed any higher, best of luck to you. Summary execution was not out of the question.

The jean situation was one reason all boys were required to wear the most uncomfortable underwear ever created: boxer shorts. I learned this lesson the hard way.

In seventh grade, I was still wearing white briefs like a complete loser. One day during P.E., my underwear somehow got loose while I was changing for swimming and ended up in a puddle in the middle of the grimy, tiled locker room floor. Some kid picked them up with two fingers like he was handling toxic waste (presumably because of the style, not because they were wet underwear), held them up in the sky like Rafiki presenting Simba to the Pride Landers, and everyone in the locker room said “EWWWWWWWW.”

I looked away, busying myself with the lock on my locker so no one would notice how red my face was turning. No clue who those baby underwear belong to!

I didn’t wear comfortable underwear again for the rest of my school career.

That wouldn’t happen today. Nope. Kids will never know what it was like to have scratchy boxers riding up on your undercarriage twenty-four-seven. They looked amazing, though. Those cool patterns blousing out from above the jean waistband lower-thigh band.

Do you remember when it was a federal crime to carry your backpack with both straps on your shoulders?

I do.

I developed significant scoliosis and one of my shoulders rests noticeably lower than the other, but it was worth it.

If you ever encountered me holding my backpack with two straps it would’ve been safe to assume that a nuclear attack was currently underway. Sometimes if you got really tired, and you were completely alone, you could slide the other strap on. But if anyone rounded the corner, you had to get that strap off your shoulder fast!

Kids today walk around with their backpacks resting comfortably on their backs, two cushioned straps on their shoulders looking like little nerds. Sadly, they’ll never know how cool it looked to stumble almost sideways, one leg dragging behind, a huge backpack dangling from one shoulder while you clutched desperately at your jeans that were seven sizes too big with the other hand. Staying upright used to be an accomplishment. Not anymore.

And finally, the socks.

In the ‘90s, underwear was on full display at all times but if anyone ever found out you wore socks, well, your family had to pack up and move at least two towns over before you could safely reenter society. Socks were meant to be small and invisible. So small that you developed abrasions on the backs of your heels where your shoes rubbed your skin above your no-shows. We wore those scars like badges of honor. If you ever had to wear long socks for god’s sake they better have been shoved down your ankle to within an inch of their life.

Now? Sheesh. Socks are high, Crocs are crocing, and every middle schooler is a middle-aged dad mowing the lawn on Sunday.

Change is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Sometimes when I’m getting dressed to run an errand or walk the kids to school, I still find myself pulling my long, black athletic socks on and immediately pushing the tops down around my ankles. I catch myself, smile, and yank them back up. Because I don’t have to do that anymore.

I’m 43 years old and I don’t have to worry about what other people think. I mean, perhaps it helps that the style I’ve preferred my entire life is now cool, but still… I am beyond all that! I am living life on my terms. This is finally my time (to fit in without suffering debilitating injuries in the name of fashion).

We’ve had a lot of fun here taking a stroll (or awkward shuffling limp) down memory lane, but let me pause for a moment to say that I am legitimately happy that fitting in and being like everyone else doesn’t seem to be the ultimate goal for my kids or many kids today. That’s a positive change. And we should embrace any positive changes we can find.

On that uplifting note, I re-enter the world with newfound confidence as I head to the store in pursuit of basketball shorts for my 10-year-old that are sufficiently short and tight to allow for easy execution of the between-the-leg dribble. Because, get this, it is now acceptable once again to wear basketball shorts that don’t brush the tops of your no-show socks!

What a time to be alive.

P.S. I will never wear Crocs. That’s my red line. I don’t care how comfortable my kids claim they are. I can still live with a bit of discomfort to keep a small shred of self-respect.

Dad, writer, and editor. Author of the novel Love's a Disaster and the humorous essay collection Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years. Probably sweeping off the trampoline right now.